I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
