u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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