Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
