I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
