I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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