Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
