I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
