the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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