My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
