I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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