Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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