I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
