i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
