I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found puke in my bra..
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
