he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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