I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
