Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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