Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
