I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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