WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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