you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
