"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You are the jesus of drinking
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
