I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Houston, we have a blender
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Randomize
