Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
