I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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