God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
