I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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