I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
