i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
