I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
