Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i think i just lost a toe
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
