I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
