We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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