My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we're making bets on your personal life
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
