No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
