Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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