You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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