a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
