I cannot find my penis.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
