i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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