nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
