Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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