i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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