I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
