That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
