new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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