I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
