i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
barbara walters just said penis...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Randomize
