life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
