I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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