1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
