my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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