8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
